Friday, October 8, 2010

Killing Time

Today it became very certain that my Great-Grandma Pat is dying. I was sitting in my moms car writing and I got a text from Mom saying, "Esther (my aunt) just called...she said grandma is not responding...she may be passing soon." My heart melted in that moment and I hated being alone. We all knew that she would be going soon. But when it's actually happening you find yourself completely unprepared. Later, in the evening of today, my mom, sister, dad and I will be driving out to Nor-Cal to visit hopefully and be with her before she passes. She's always been very strong, so I wouldn't doubt her still being here when we get there. I can only hope.

I wonder a lot of times about how my Grandmother is doing. To be losing your mother. The thought of it makes me weep. I can't imagine my mother getting old or so sick that I have to sit beside her on her death bed. What a horrible image, and yet it is exactly what my grandmother, and my great uncles and aunts are doing now. Not to mention my Great-Grandma Pats sister. I look at my sister now, just a child and cannot picture us in such a situation. It's one of the hardest things to relate to. Everyone's loss is different even if you are all connected. I feel a lot of guilt as I think my mom might also because I would like to think that taking my Grandma Pat out of the environment she wanted to stay in and making her come live with us to take care of her, would have been a better solution. That maybe she could have had more time. But you can't make someone do something they really don't want to do. My Grandma Pat is going the way I think she wanted to. At home. With loved ones around her. Hopefully not alone in the night.

Here is the poem I was writing when I got the text....

Fifteen minutes to kill,

and I feel the
impatience already.

My heart pounds
with my feelings request
and I cannot forsake it.

Although annoyed,
I feel at peace.
For I am learning.

I shall crumble here
in this dark place
I call my mind.
Ponder in the black
halls of such a
lonely night.

Tears may fall,
as I am calm.
And my soul
shall shout aloud.

Ten minutes to kill,

and I feel my bones
want to crack.
To melt inside of me
as my throat
will collapse.

Sob I may,
to pass my time.
And when winds come
they shall blow me dry.

For my stomach is weak.
Emotions linger
And my body is
aching from this
brilliant overflow.

Overwhelmed I should say
but my heart
will stand still.

Five minutes to kill.

Seaming as though
I am now frozen.
Silence shall become me
in my bitter
lonesome chat.

For my nerves
have become me
and I shall smile no longer.
Back slouching
to melt me away
from these problems.

Sit here
I shall.
Until time
may run out.
And as I relax
my bones,
so shall my thoughts.


This poem was a free-write, as are most of my random work. I would like to name it, but I am never sure what to title any of my poems. It used to be that I would name them after the last two words in the poem. But sometimes that doesn't always work out so swell.

1 comment:

  1. I Love all your Poems Alora... It is always hard to watch someone pass that you love so much.. I did with both my Mom and Dad... Death is so much like a major operation and sometimes takes so much time to heal.. Take Care of you as well my Dear...Much Love to all Marie..