Monday, October 25, 2010

Daily Poems #38-40

38.

My mind so scattered,
shall repeat itself
once again.

As I begin to feel sick
over the same emotions
from my heart,
I will vomit
what will push it's way out
onto this screen.

I wish
for once
I knew how to express
what it is I truly desire to,
but what may come
shall,
for I am only the messenger.

Messenger?
You might ask of me,
and Yes I shall reply.
For sometimes
my heart and soul
shall dance somewhere distant,
and I will only paint the floor.

There will be no show
for me.
My subconscious
has secrets form me.
So many
not to tell.

And so I continue,
piece by piece.
For one day
I shall have all the pieces
to connect
in time,
for a withering mind.

...............


39.

When fallen to sleep.
Drift I may,
through lost lands
of this mysterious earth.

There my soul
shall swim,
in colors of others.
Diving,
in a whirlpool
of home.

Night after night,
I will meet you there,
if you please do.
And we'll share winds of courage
far from the stables
of life.

Open
we shall be,
to the darkness
of an angel.
And race
we shall,
back,
to our temples
of light.

When we wake
we shall forget.
Yet,
come home,
we will,
as a sleepers
bright sight.

...............


40.

Her glittery eyes
are like that of an oceans water
in a full moon night.

When she smiles
it is as though
all the world
shall have its sunset.

She gives pain to my eyes
with the beauty
she possesses.
And she will always know it.

For when she see's me
still,
I shall cave back
into my grave.

...............


Number 40, represents a passion I have towards my future written novel. I have entered a contest called National Novel Writing Month. It's for the month of November. Everyone is to write a 50,000 word (at the least) novel by Nov. 30th. There is a story that I have decided on writing since I joined a few days ago and I'm pretty sure I am set on it. I think it could be a success. As long as I don't procrastinate to the point of failure. They tell you to keep in mind, quantity over quality. Some may say the opposite, or that they meant the opposite. But they didn't. This contest is meant for those writers out there, like myself, who, always just puts writing a novel to the side. We critique ourselves so much, it may sometimes take, those like me, five or more years to finish a novel. And maybe even one that isn't as good as it could'v been. If not for all of the re-thinking and re-vising. The good thing about writing this novel, is that they never want you to take down what you build. They just want you to continue building. How beautiful. And exactly what I need to push myself harder to really do it and go through with it and finish it. I'll be so proud of myself if I really get this thing done. And I think I need that.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Daily Poem #37

#37.

As I think
of such places,
such as you,
I may drift
forever.
To never return.

To lay
in such beauty.
Feel such earth
beneath my
bare bottom.
I can just sing.

As I think
of you,
beautiful meadow.
I am haunted.
Haunted
by such a love.

My love
for you,
shall never die.
Forever
shall you be lost
in my memories.

And so for now,
I shall dream
of faraway days,
where with you
I may be.
For always.

My Great-Grandmother Pat Passing

On Saturday night, October 16th, I received a text from my mom, while I was Vegas, telling me my Great-Grandma Pat had just passed. Being literally in the middle of the Vegas strip and hearing news like this was made it very hard for me to compose myself. I calmed myself by just simply accepting and remembering that this was not an accident. This was to be expected very soon. And today just so happened to be the day.

My Grandma Pat died from Leukemia. She suffered greatly. So for her to be gone now, I'm just glad she's not in pain any longer. She always said she just wanted get to be 80. She died 3 1/2 months before. I guess she was just ready.

Today I'll be driving out with my Aunt Stella and boyfriend Nick for my grandmothers funeral. It's about a five hour drive. We won't get out of here till at least after 6 or 7 p.m. so that means we won't get into town until at least midnight or so. And it might be a long drive. Obama is supposed to be in L.A. today. Lets hope they close a bunch of freeways and we can get going a little sooner. It's gonna be a long weekend.

But at least I got something red. My Grandma Esther, Great-Grandma Pat's daughter, decided we should all wear something red to my grandmothers funeral because it was her favorite color. Being that it's not my favorite, I literally had absolutely nothing red. My mom sister and I went out looking, and trust me, in fall, it is very difficult to find. Everything is orange, and pink! So finally I found a scarf, my mom bought jewelery and my sister got ribbon to tie around her little black dress. I hope my Grandma Pat likes it. I know she'll be looking down on us tomorrow. And we'll all be embracing it. 

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Daily Poems #30-36

I am behind once again in my Daily Poems. And proving once again that I am one of the biggest procrastinator in the world. But this will have to stop soon. Very soon. And by November 1st. I'm entered in a contest called the National Novel Writing Month. They are giving me 30 days, till November 30th, to complete a 50,000 word novel. My cousin Roma sent me the link today and I just couldn't help myself. I said, "I have to do this"! So starting November 1st I'm sure I will update about my progress. I'll probably be buried in my room with lots of tea and bread scratching my head until it bleeds. But we'll see. And until then, I must write my free-write poetry. I will write 7, since I  have not written any in one week. Please enjoy.

30.

cast down upon me
dark skies
in blue
and not black.

for in this darkness
i must have light
to take me through
such night as this.

i have lost my way
in the streets
of life
and shall starve.

feed me your light
until hunger is no more
and i shall
worship you for all time.

i shall sacrifice
for you
and body
of any kind.

forever
i shall be yours
in the this light
of blue.

...............


31.

for you
i shall only hold
true love.

you shall
kiss me with
a caress.

and i will
fall
forever for you.

fall with me
my beautiful God.

into heavens
of dreams.

where we shall part
never
lost
in time.

hold me
for the winds
may take me.

and care
i shall not
if i am in your arms.

kiss you
i shall
with caress.

and you
shall fall
forever for me.

...............


32.

Long lost words
please come to me
now.

I have begged of you
for so long.

You were here
for such short
a moment.

And now
gone.

For the longest
of times.

Please feed
this hunger inside
I have for you
now.

You belong to me
and have disobeyed
for much too long
in this time.

Come hither
and I will bless
thee with beautiful words
beside it. you.

I will give
what only a
poet
can give
to thee.

And forever they
shall stay
with only you.

Come to me.

And I will gift you
with love
that only I can give
with words from you.

My inner soul.

...............


33.

The smell of rain
to my nose
can be very much like
the sun
to a daisy.

At times I feel myself
lost
for just a moment.

In a moment
where
clarity becomes me
and all that matters
will be my feet planted
where they lay.

The skies will feel
as though they shall open
just for me.

Emotions may
surround with the most
of love. 


And that the earth
had only waited for my existence
for all time.

To be here.

To enjoy it's life
in my own.

For the pureness
of existing with it
in such beautiful days.

So crisp the air
it shall hug me
with it's love.

Kiss me
with its air.

And surround me.

For to stand
planted in such a state
would be as a
child to it's mother.

...............


34.

Walk with me.
In a night
filled with purple lips.

Come with me.
In a sea
in a bottle
for two.

Laugh with me.
With purple lips.

And we shall
kiss
all the purple
away.

...............


35.

The bridge of hope
should be cracking now.

For all the sorrow
in this world.

There shall be no more
mending.

For too many
it is now lost
in the forest
of doubt.

Although it shall call.

No matter
here.

For in a time,
of selfish
greed
and gluttony,
there are no ears
for such place.

And what shall happen then
to those in need of it?

Shall they fall
as with their first footsteps
into the dark abyss
of sin?

Or shall they pass,
through time itself,
to a future
where Perfect
always shall have a place.

Will the neglect
savor it's friends
in the end?

Or will even Hell
take over the innocent?

...............


36. "Far Away Land"

My far away land.
How very near you can be.

For as I lay here
I can hear your waves
crashing upon my ears
so easily.

My far away land.
How very convenient
you can be.

When all the world
is as a stranger to me.
And you,
the perfect being,
shall be waiting.
Just for me.

My far away land.
How shall I leave you?

For to lie
you have never.
Nor left me
in times of need.

My far away land.
How shall I leave you?

When you are my love.
You are
my very being.

I shall take you in,
as all I know.
For I have no need
for the rest.

With your sands
in my finger tips,
I shall stay at ease.

Lost.

My far away land.

...............



With a glass of wine they are now finished. Hopefully I can start posting these when I should instead of cramming 7 poems into one sitting. Although that might be good for me. Hope the editing is more appealing rather than annoying with reading. I would love share more of my mind and my situation in life right now but the time seems to be dragging me down into desiring sleep more than anything. So until next time.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Daily Poems #28 & 29

I have decided with the continuance of my successful free-writing poetry that I shall make things interesting and post my every moves. My instant editing. I will leave my mistakes where they are and simply cross them out. Perhaps it will give an idea to my reader of how my train of thought was working. It may be a bit of a distraction for some, but for now maybe some will like it. Please, enjoy.

...............


#28 - "Angel Be Still"

Stars arise
when I think of you.

All will be still
in darkness of night
as I blow my kisses
to your open heart.

Fly a little
with me
my precious
gift.

Through skies
of blissful twinkling delight
only you
and I shall know.

With you
by my side
nothing
can touch me.

My lips
shall warm
your soul
with endless love.

And drift we may
far away.

...............


#29 - "Puppy Doubt"

My dear creature
how you stare so still.

Emotions arise
from your light brown eyes.

Such beautiful conversing 
in heavy silence.

Tell me your story,
dear creature of mine.

Bid me a tale
from your deep pull.

I am soft to you
as your paws show affection.


Giving you 
what love I can.

Your silence is heavy
with endless care.

I will never look away
my dear best friend.

Listen I may
time again.

And hold you so
for your hard times to end.



Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Daily Poems #23-27

#23

As time will fall
so shall the tides
like fallen angels
from the sky.

Hearts will burn
as souls shall fly
like dragons
in the fire.

And as my eyes
shall collapse
on such a beautiful face
so will all the world.

...............

#24

Lillie's,
my darlings.
How you shine
in this day.

The sun
shall carry you
in seasons
delay.

Such beauty
for saints.
You shall stop me
in my claims.

For to have
you in my arms
is a gift
in this rain.

...............

#25

Cover me in moss.
For I never want to leave
this place.

I praise these trees
in such green.
Crispest of airs.

Wrap your arms around me
my dream.
Forever.

My soul,
never to part from you,
stay the same.

I give myself
to such purest of
lands.

Caress me
as I will to you.
And take me within your grounds.

Drown me in
your love.
As I wish to be.

To become,
part
of such a place.

My heart shall
beg upon you.
Until my soul shall take.

And my love
may never
leave you.

...............

#26

Rain.
Wash me of my sins.
For I am lost.

I have prayed
for you.
With no sign.

Hungry.
For only
my Gods hands.

Wash me
of twisted
ways.

As I beg
on bloody knees.
Patient.

Exhausted
I shall wait for you.
Almighty hands.

Take me
in rain
as I have been told.

Wash me.
Away.
From the dark.

...............

#27

Follow me.
To the deepest
of doubts.

Follow me.
Until there's
nothing left.

Follow me.
Down to
my sins.

Follow me.
To hells
debt.

Listen to me.
My faltered
speech.

Listen to me.
My hollow
soul.

Listen to me.
Grow oh
so cold.

Listen to me.
Bitter
and old.

Leave me not.
For I have darkness
to share.

Leave me not.
For I shall share
my despair.

Leave me not.
I shall rot here
with out you.

Leave me not.
For I want you
all to myself.

Families Sickness Filled Weekend

Five Daily Poems are due as of today. I have been resting and getting my mind together after a very rough weekend full of family health stress. When I arrived with my family to see my Great-Grandma Pat on Friday, she was in horrible condition. She had gone through a stroke and her hearing was weak along with her voice, gone. I guess it's very common. By Friday night though we could tell that she could hear everything we were saying. Saturday morning she was getting a few words out and that made us very happy. She was extremely malnourished from living basically on her own with no help. Fighting leukemia with hardly a diet at all would wear anyone down. By Sunday my Great-Grandma Pat was in such better condition it was like a weight lifted. She was sitting herself up with her arms and moving her legs by herself. I was so happy. I know the leukemia will catch up with her regardless but at least for now we know that she can still eat, she's gaining weight and getting a little of her strength back. Now all she needs is her Star magazines and I think she'll be 100% more comfortable. My mom got sick and had to leave before she passed it to grandma. The look on my grandma's face was just unbearable. She was so sad. She didn't want my mom to go at all. All Sunday night my grandma was crying for her when she would wake and all Monday morning also. It's been wearing on my mother a lot and many think my mom got sick from stress in the first place. Just makes me worry she might be sick even longer.

On Sunday we visited my aunt Danielle in the hospital who was having her gallbladder removed. She also has a tumor on her liver which stresses us all but in good time, three weeks, it will be removed and hopefully will be behind us. She's had to spend so much time in the hospital the past couple weeks. Stuck on liquids and mushy food for 11 days. Poor thing. And the one who's doing the worst is my cousin Brittany. The poor girl has lost so much weight from her rare condition. Her intestines have failed her. She's had ulcers among ulcers and she's already had one surgery which somehow not only didn't work but things become much worse extremely fast after. My step-Dad went to see her over the weekend while we were close to the area and he told us it was one of the hardest things he has ever had to witness. That the amount of pain Brittany is in right now is just intolerable. I pray everyday that some sort of information comes about and they can fix her. She's only 19 years old and she's suffering everyday. Add drama to this weekend and ridiculous situations and there you have it. What I'v been doing the past five days which have held me once again from my promises of Daily Poems.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Killing Time

Today it became very certain that my Great-Grandma Pat is dying. I was sitting in my moms car writing and I got a text from Mom saying, "Esther (my aunt) just called...she said grandma is not responding...she may be passing soon." My heart melted in that moment and I hated being alone. We all knew that she would be going soon. But when it's actually happening you find yourself completely unprepared. Later, in the evening of today, my mom, sister, dad and I will be driving out to Nor-Cal to visit hopefully and be with her before she passes. She's always been very strong, so I wouldn't doubt her still being here when we get there. I can only hope.

I wonder a lot of times about how my Grandmother is doing. To be losing your mother. The thought of it makes me weep. I can't imagine my mother getting old or so sick that I have to sit beside her on her death bed. What a horrible image, and yet it is exactly what my grandmother, and my great uncles and aunts are doing now. Not to mention my Great-Grandma Pats sister. I look at my sister now, just a child and cannot picture us in such a situation. It's one of the hardest things to relate to. Everyone's loss is different even if you are all connected. I feel a lot of guilt as I think my mom might also because I would like to think that taking my Grandma Pat out of the environment she wanted to stay in and making her come live with us to take care of her, would have been a better solution. That maybe she could have had more time. But you can't make someone do something they really don't want to do. My Grandma Pat is going the way I think she wanted to. At home. With loved ones around her. Hopefully not alone in the night.

Here is the poem I was writing when I got the text....



Fifteen minutes to kill,

and I feel the
impatience already.

My heart pounds
with my feelings request
and I cannot forsake it.

Although annoyed,
I feel at peace.
For I am learning.

I shall crumble here
in this dark place
I call my mind.
Ponder in the black
halls of such a
lonely night.

Tears may fall,
as I am calm.
And my soul
shall shout aloud.

Ten minutes to kill,

and I feel my bones
want to crack.
To melt inside of me
as my throat
will collapse.

Sob I may,
to pass my time.
And when winds come
they shall blow me dry.

For my stomach is weak.
Emotions linger
slow.
And my body is
aching from this
brilliant overflow.

Overwhelmed I should say
but my heart
will stand still.

Five minutes to kill.

Seaming as though
I am now frozen.
Silence shall become me
in my bitter
lonesome chat.

For my nerves
have become me
and I shall smile no longer.
Back slouching
to melt me away
from these problems.

Sit here
I shall.
Until time
may run out.
And as I relax
my bones,
so shall my thoughts.

...............


This poem was a free-write, as are most of my random work. I would like to name it, but I am never sure what to title any of my poems. It used to be that I would name them after the last two words in the poem. But sometimes that doesn't always work out so swell.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Daily Poems #20-22

20.

When sea's pass me
I watch.

They swing with such might
and my little body smiles.

For I am planted
forever.

The sea's will know
as they know all.

They shall smile back at me
and around me they shall fall.


21.

My soul shall find you.
Beautiful strings.

Your sound,
melts,
with passion.

I feel your strength.
The sweet soft strength,
of vibrations to come.

As my body echo's
the sounds of your drum,
so shall my heart.

For my mind will drift
with you.

You haunt my everything.
My mind,
forbidden to leave.

So pure must you be,
violin.
Stealing my peace.

I shall never leave you,
my piece of mind.
For you complete.

My thoughts they wait,
in silence.
For the strings to melt me so.

And take me you shall,
Interlude II.


22.

When all is dark,
with no more hope.

You come to me
with your bright light.

As you shall blind me
I see no more black.

Yet with nothing else
I am now blinded in white.

My soul was weak before
but now is strong.

No longer shall I stand in your bright light
but make my own.

Need you no longer
I shun you.

For to blind the innocent
makes such a bold nuisance.

This child now woman
shall stand tall in darkness or light,

alone.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Daily Poems #12-19

I am once again behind on my Daily Poems. So to catch up, I shall once again free-write eight Haiku's. Because they'r so much fun! This time however, I shall write my Haiku's the "proper" way. Only three lines! Each. So here it shall go.


Daily Poems....

12.

As she will sit down,
her bones shall crack of aching
with motherhoods bless.


13.

I say to myself
everything will be fine
in this lonesome place


14.

these little feet kick
with wonderful life for me
and the magic of love


15.

day light hits my skin
and the warmth shall overwhelm
sun, hug me with bliss.


16.

dance, the whole night through
dance with strength and speed tonight
with rhythms delight


17.

little creatures stare
from side to side they will look
with worry in soul


18.

with fear among them
they gather with their sharp sticks
tribes fear the un-dead


19.

oh mother-nature
how your gifts shall pain me so
and fall now I may