Friday, September 24, 2010

Home Alone...Kinda

So my mom and step-dad had to leave yesterday. I'm not sure when they'll be back but Anthony's (my step-dad) niece, my cousin Brittany, was supposed to have a major open surgery today and for some reason I do now know of at this time, they canceled it today. I hope everything is going O.K. at least. She's been having extremely horrible problems with ulcers in her stomach. I only wish her the best and that somehow they can fix her enough to live her life. She's only eighteen and she has already had to go through one surgery, now this. I can't imagine what she might be going through. I contemplated on leaving with them, and in a way I think I should have, but my little sister shouldn't be missing any more school and then we would have had to figure something out for the dogs. I knew my boyfriend was going to be leaving today, therefore they would have no one to look after them Saturday or Friday night. So I stayed home to take care of things. The problem, I felt like I was by myself.

I guess you could say I have insecurity issues when it comes to the house or any place I am sleeping at. Are the locks good enough? Are the windows locked? Can I hear well enough outside? Will the dogs know? Yes. But I still worry. All night. I could hardly sleep last night. It got so bad I was literally watching time go by. I hate staring at my windows watching them get lighter. My boyfriend was here with me but our dog Ivy kept lifting her ears and was creeping me out. Maybe we both had the same issue. Our whole pack was not home, and it never feels right. I guess I'm so used to my Dad Anthony being home that, when he's not, I feel very weird and nervous. I spent most of the night freaking out in my own mind, making things worse basically. Sometimes my mind wonders so much that I just start making up different scenarios of "what if."

Earlier yesterday, my dad left the news on and of course after they leave a story of a horrid home invasion comes on. This man tied everyone up, molested the 17 and 11 year old children. He took pictures of them on his cell phone and sent them to his friends making jokes. And when he was all done he set the house on fire. I'm not sure what happened to the family after the fact. They could still be alive, I don't know. It happened in a different state, but that doesn't help my mind. Home invasion has been something I have feared and thought about since I was a child. I have always feared anything like this happening to my sister and I, I just know I could never let it happen. That I WILL fight harder than others and I won't ever let myself become a victim. Your in my house, your the victim. Period. Now that I have a shotgun, a gun of my own, I feel a million times better. Although my mind never stays in the positive for too long. I was thinking last night for hours about my safety getting stuck on, the gun getting jammed and what I would do then. I tried to tell myself to relax and stay calm. Having dogs definitely helps because I know that if anyone were trying to get in our dogs would be the first to know. I have to trust that, but even still I am sometimes stupid enough to think, what if they can't hear. It's like a never ending circle of fear. I'm not sure why I go to such an extreme. But my mother has always raised me to be cautious. Maybe not THIS cautious but to definitely be aware. You never know how the cards in life may change.

1 comment:

  1. i love you. I miss the times when you would tell me things like this... : ( ohhh doll when did we become so distant?

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